27 February, 2009

This one I dedicate to every single one of you guys that can feel this lyrics...

Me? I just feel like dancing like a crazy person (just like Chris there) and I remember some "road trips" I took last week.



My One... like you say: "Sooner..." - but see it like this, at least I'm not posting "Speed of Sound"... LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

[Aaaah e prometo que actualizo a playlistzinha nos próximos dias... só me tem faltado a inspiração...]
Conhecem a sensação?

Do tudo, do nada, da inveja boa, da saudade?
Da certeza profunda, do vacilar ritmado, do ser e do partilhar?
Do ter dito tudo, do ter tanto por dizer, do "ser" palavras repetidas?
De ver a história repetir-se mas sendo sempre nova...

Não tenho o meu lugar, ou melhor, ter, tenho, ele está lá. Mas eu ainda estou aqui. Mas acredito em ti, quando me cruzar com ele vou saber que é meu, vou esquecer a minha falta de orientação e vou conseguir sempre retornar.
Para já, sei quem levava para lá comigo (estensões pessoais incluídas)...
Percebi porque o meu olhar se fixou num ponto, ainda sinto os rebordos das pedras, senti que aquele lugar ainda vai dizer muito.

O peso já não existe, agora? Apenas vontade de falar, acabar por dizer tudo, a todos. A vontade de ouvir, aconselhar, ser o "copo de wiskey" ao fim do dia (embora ambos o odiemos).
O mal, o medo, a dor, os fantasmas?... Foram relativizados. Porque a junção de tudo deu o melhor resultado, devolveu-me um dos meus valores de vida: a Confiança.
Em mim, em ti, nos outros.
Percebes agora porque sempre disse que o que faltou foi confiança?
Porque pareço quase duas pessoas numa? [Isto sou eu a confiar]... Porque te dou o que poucos têm. A doçura que procurava desde o final do ano passado (repara no timing) afinal existe, não está só nos olhos dos outros.

Agora diz-me? É dia de celebração? ;)

[Já agora, oh minha pessoa, oh minha extensão, oh my get in... liga o telemóvel... há gente, sabes? EU... a tentar falar contigo!... A gerência agradece =)]

19 February, 2009

[Este texto está escrito há dois dias já... mas "valores mais altos se levantaram" e outros tomaram o seu lugar.
Aqui fica, embora com data "falsa", mesmo antes do que possa vir, fica dito, porque já estava escrito.]

Quase como crianças no banco do recreio, ansiosas, puras, verdadeiras, perguntas-me, curioso: "Estás Feliz?"
Depois de um
nodding smile (even if not so bright), a minha ânsia, e porque prometemos não filtrar palavras, é dizer-te, num estilo muito corny: "Mais que ontem, menos que amanhã." (assim espero!...)
E é verdade, é...
Mas há vida lá fora. Não consigo deixar de ser eu. Brilho, erradio (espelhas-te em mim?), mas a minha essência mantém-se: dúvida, medo, questão.
Tu, a "minha extensão", quem cruza o meu caminho... são a minha Luz, a minha certeza, as barreiras que me impedem de escolher o abismo.
As dúvidas não estão no "nós", para já a vontade é apenas a de fazer caminho e ver até onde o horizonte se renova.
O que te posso dizer?... Perde os teus medos se eles dependem de mim.
Eu?... Vou seguir as palavras da "minha pessoa" e fazer por dizer adeus aos meus e lutar. Mesmo quando a inércia me invade...
Até porque tenho uma promessa a cumprir nestes próximos dias... desde que possa andar, em vez de correr.


[Era este o filme que passava algures por 17 de Fevereiro ao final da tarde...]
... you're out!

One can gladly say that:
Tens morte anunciada (já correm 25 minutos do "Fight Club");
Voltaste ao teu estatuto de há cerca de 3 anos atrás... um conhecido, desconhecido.

Let a new game begin =)
Um ano antes... já alguém sabia que ia precisar de ouvir tais palavras.
Só quem passa por elas as sabe. Daí que as lágrimas ainda brotem e saiba que, no fundo, esta canção vai ser sempre minha.



Enjoy!


A noite passada acordei com o teu beijo

descias o Douro e eu fui esperar-te ao Tejo [...]







"A noite passada" - Sérgio Godinho
Before I lay down my head to sleep I can't go into the sweet world of dreams without saying this: You're not it. Not anymore. I'll keep my ironic smirk, but you're not it.
You were the awakening, the opening of the "door" in its raw, primitive, childish version.
You're not hated (anymore)... you're just frawned at.

As I'm a thankful person... I can even see myself thanking you... some day.

Sooner...

18 February, 2009

As I found your new place, I refreshed my memory. While I was reading you I recalled why I had such a crush on you (the first real one after my first big humilliation, after my biggest fear first came to life), why everybody saw as as perfect for each other, why we had so much fun (as every class ended I felt like a kid again), why I instantly recognized you amongst others.
But being 18 is all about that: making wrong turns, taking different paths, having some laughs. And nowadays I don't regret them, or at least most of them. We turn out to be whatever we had to.

Not that you're going to find me out but I had to quote you as you wrote it perfectly:
Procura-se:
Caminho ideal, de pedras iguais, simétricas, limpas, sem pó,
nem caminho de volta.

Não pode ter mapas, placas, nem indicações para o GPS,
porque ninguém se perde nele.

Um caminho onde as curvas estão no lugar das rectas e as rectas têm ar de lombas. Esguio onde é preciso e largo onde convém.

Sem parasitas a pedir boleia.
Sem acidentes e sem idiotas.

Um caminho meu, feito de gigantes, anões, dias de sol e dias de chuva, com um fuso horário a cada canto para me queixar do jet-lag. Espelhos, missangas e os irritantes vasos de pot-pourri, para os dias em que me apeteça estoirar com alguma coisa.


É nestas alturas que me orgulho de nos termos cruzado. Porque, nestes momentos penso: as pessoas menos próprias e os momentos surpreendesntes que nos afastaram afinal parecem não ter deixado grandes sequelas.
Sabes o que te digo? Espero que para o nosso bem, nos respondam ao "anúncio" com cartas de recomendação interessantes e CVs em formato europeu.

Sê (mais ?) feliz, encontra o teu caminho. Eu já comecei o meu.

17 February, 2009

A internet tem destas coisas...!


You are ready to run, even if it makes more sense to walk. You are not willing to take the time necessary to learn what you need to know today because you want to be at your destination already. The good news is that your self-confidence is strong. The bad news is that your optimism can be blind. Open your eyes and look at things just the way they are, rather than how you would like them to be.

Mas isto não era eu hoje. Nem por sombras!
Quando muito era eu no fim de semana passado... ou desde há um mês. Mas não neste preciso momento!

Agora 'tou chateada! (beicinho)

Long time no see, right?
Yeah, yeah... I know... aparently time flies when you're having fun. I guess I've been having a sip of that kind of life.
So... as 5 days have passed this will be another one of my incoherent posts... now, c'mon! Quoting a sometime ago famous kid: "You love me! You REALLY LOVE me!"

Thrusday while having a talk with "my (oh so beloved!) person" I realised one thing - since this week is the 3 months anniversary of this blog, the timing is perfect - these have been the busiest, more alive, confusing, loving, laughing, crying, growing and building days of my life, this far.
And, call me a wierdo or a.k.a freakshow, I owe all the good and the bad times to this little "paper" lost in ciberspace.
As she said while we were being ourselves... the pages you started writing for someone brought you close to yourself and to someone else.
Even if today hasn't been the best of days... I now have where to come and write. An archive to show me that I've survived worst days. A list of links that connect me to the world. A small little corner of the world where I found the noblest feelings.
The bad, the very bad, the will to die and to let go gave way to living. Right now?... a happy kind of doing it. In the future?... only God knows - but since I've met and felt hope... =)

New friends, new words/worlds, new hates and a new (although already "there") love...
Hence... when reading these more than 70 posts (!) I wonder: Was it me all along? And I'll answer without a doubt: "Yes!"
But a me, a me that grows. A me that, sometimes, can't recognize some words left behind, that recalls some thoughts as "too much" now; that lingers in songs, that is grateful, that is changed. A me that is "wowed" by some of those past days, that dreams of those yet to come but fears the "future".

My eyes are now wide open, my ears are alert, my hands want to feel the world... all this to say, that, thanks to these 3 months, some days I wake up in the morning and think: "Hello life! I wonder if I can dream the world away?" (and you all know that wasn't me...)

'Cause the black is not so intense anymore, but I'm still little old me.
'Cause I plan, but I'm still a kid.
'Cause I miss and I'm missed.
'Cause I've seen life and death.
'Cause I'm me and somethings never change.

12 February, 2009

Foi bom, foi óptimo, foi perfeito na sua imperfeição. (But then again... I didn't ask for perfect... I called out to the heavens and I got you, which is a lot, LOT better!)

Segui conselhos, ouvi palavras, senti-me parte da vida.
Posso não o dizer mas sabes que o és, mais que todos, mais que esperava, mais.... ÉS!

No meio das energias caóticas tive ainda mais a certeza que não imaginei em vão, que não vivi fruto de ilusões, "não sou como as outras" porque esperei por ti.
No meio da tempestade energética as atitudes valeram mais que palavras ou menções.
No rescaldo, estavas lá. E eu senti apenas e só orgulho, por ser ponto de origem, mola de acção, mas acima de tudo de partilhar "vida", no verdadeiro significado da palavra, sem floreados.
Porque o caos pode ser, não, é romântico.

Se tu, com respostas essenciais dadas no meio de gargalhadas, me fascinas, como raio não há-de acontecer com outras?

Mas não podes negar... o meu receio... porque dás mais, tão mais que eu. Apenas peço, anseio, não pares de sonhar... porque enquanto isso, adormecemos juntos.

Ao contrário da minha adorable little crab nature... hoje não digo "Hoje, só hoje", hoje digo: sou feliz... e já posso contar os dias, porque há uma data (a "verdadeira!).

Deeply touched, futher moved, always honoured... My One!

*créditos fotográficos a quem de direito também (agora olha... tem cuidado com o que me ofereces...)

10 February, 2009


I'm just in the need to scribble.
It was a tough, tiring day.
I smile 'cause I can't seem to be able to stop right now, but I can help but worry.
I seek change and I fear it. I dislike your words but find them truthful.
I dream.
I fear.
I cry.

I just don't know.

All I have to thank for is that my darkness is not that dark anymore. As someone came into my life and mixed a little white in my black.

I'm torn between several worlds. Then I wish I was a little girl, a character from a book, a ladybug, a bit of dust... so that I didn't have to live, choose, cope or grow up.

I just want to curl into myself and escape.

*Gosto de nomes vulgares e perco-me em olhos subejamente conhecidos*
(Só esta frase me faz gargalhar agora, na ânsia de uma cela almofadada só minha)

09 February, 2009


- This will be a long post! -

So much to say, in so little time - and such a confused mind!
Now that I've got you reading, that means you have accepted the challenge. Good luck and Godspeed! ;)

6 days... I haven't been around for 6 days now. It looks/feels like an eternity, I have to get back on track with all of you... and seeing some of you asking for me or still dropping by, even with a "sleeping beauty" of a blog, makes me such a happy girl!

But this last week amazed me. It is amazing how life changes in 7 days.
Yet again my life took another two steps back... I wonder if in order to march fowards? Filling my shoes is now a person I adore... I wonder if she knows she owes me the chance (I just wish she has the balls to "grab" it...)? I wonder what she hears inside those walls?...

I've conquered fears, I've met my match, I've felt (and lived) how a dream can come true.
The sun shined just for us... and throughout an entire day. And the question lingers... Why am I so lucky?...
And call it what you may... but not even for one second did it feel like it was the first time I layed my eyes on you. ('Cause maybe it wasn't, I know, I know...)

But then... seeing you, reading you, hearing you... you know. You'll be... as I'm in every words of yours. No matter what you say. No matter what you (we) try to do. I've felt it deeper than ever, I've felt it more alive. I felt you. I'm just glad you're back. And I'm just sorry that...

Then... I'm back to feeling lucky! Happy that I have people who love me. Who accept my love. Who accept me as a part of their path. To whom I owe part of me, this me who survived. The better and more real me.
I'm glad I have people around me who want and like to see me shine. People I have to thank to and for. People who make me believe and make me want to be me.
My masks are slowly dropping, falling to the grownd of this play that has been my life... I no longer feel the need to conceal, to mascarade... at least not to everyone.
Now I know I can be truthful... I can be me outside.

It was great to know, to read that I was missed, that my (dark) little corner, that my innocent, pathetic little me has found its way around here. I trully am this page, and it has trully become me.
What began as a shalow way to be noticed turned into the place where I found myself, my light, my life, my courage, my love, my strenght.
You, 16, and anyone else who crossed my path... can't believe what you've done for me. *good sigh*

And for the first time in years, in almost 6 years... I've come to accept, I found my peace. I've lost and now I've found my ways to cope with it. Questions linger. I do not know everything about anything. I wish I did. But I don't. And now? I can live with it. I'm able to fall asleep in the dark without fearing myself - 'cause that was what was happening.

Bottom line... I'm here. I'm back! Incoherent as always! =)


... Can you feel it when life is changing?

03 February, 2009

First of all, sorry guys: I haven't got much time to drop by. And, yes, I missed this, missed you all (blogging does grow into an "addiction", a part of us).

So I came here today, full of great intentions, of smiles to share, with an open heart. And with a great song, selected to throw spirits way up high, to make you dance, to make you sing.
But... life is bitter-sweet. As this song was brought to me by a friend that is no longer here - almost as a life theme, as a "Hold on tight, hun. Things aren't over, yet", thing... today I dedicate it to a friend who has shown a "deathwish". But to whom I hand out my hand so he can reach out and grab it.
And not only to my happy, happy, joy, joy spirit of the last couple of days.
- You may kill him/it. You may wish his death. You may think it's over. But it isn't. It's a part of you, of me, of us. It will live as long as I remeber it. And that I can garantee, will last forever.

Right now... I'm thinking of 8 different people who will feel these words differently. Ones 'cause they need them, others beucause they can't believe them and even some who will say "I do! You're it!".

To all of you:
I been sitting in the darkness
But the sunlight's creeping in
Now the ice is slowly melting
In my soul and in my skin
All the good times my friend
Are coming around again
Oh yeah
I been thinking reminiscing
Of better nights and better days
Hiding in a refuge
Of memories I've made
I got a feeling within
It's coming around again
[...]
I got someone waiting for me
It's been so long since we met
And I may not be your salvation
but I'll offer nonetheless
And if like me u wanna take that chance
It's coming around again
[...]
I can feel a change of fortune
No more riding on my love
Feel the weight is off my shoulders
As my feet become unstuck
And all the good times on which we do depend
Oh it's coming around again

This is how much I love you all! This is what I hope I can share with you. Got it?

Smile along with it, feel it, embrace it. Or, if not able to that (for now) just listen and dance. I'll be here for you. Enjoy!
 
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