29 January, 2009

Este post é simples. Muito directo. Names aside claro, mas do mais directo que terás.
A 9 de Dezembro... saíste da minha vida, pela porta do cavalo. Deixei outra pessoa entrar, não para te substituir, mas para tentar. Não resultou. Não por ti, porque estavas - e estás! - cada vez mais longe, fraco e faded na minha memória, na minha mente, na minha pessoa, que sabe agora que, vida, contigo? Não, obrigado!
Mas claro, a tua cegueira consentida, a tua dureza, a tua fraqueza... derrotou-me outra vez. Quando há dias me lembraste que, por amor, por paixão, fazes, farias (és incapaz, fraco!) mais.
Aconselho-te agora, peço-te: perde-te, perde-te na dor que escolhes, para não mais voltar. Porque sabes quem és, tens idade e cabeça. A época da pena já passou. Este é o meu segundo adeus...
Seja verdade ou não, seja outra tentativa falhada... sejam palavras ou sentimentos... pelo menos sei que mais, em uníssono, te desmentem. Até de madrugada, perdida em neblina e sorrisos... já quase no mundo do sono... a quilómetros me provam que, na lama? Por ti? Não mais!

Encontrei ontem, nas palavras de outros o que mereces ouvir, a raiva na voz que sinto no caração. Porque acabaste, mas a raiva ainda cá mora...

Por isso, tu que tanto sabes, tu que tudo encontras... vai, já que tens tanto jeito para "ler" mas não "ver"... -> Nada - Toranja.

E então, depois de bem sentido (porque se perceberás? não sei, e cada vez menos me interessa), continuaremos a não falar.
... of joy, of hope, of dream, of fear, of rage, of wonder, of doubt, of smiles...

Again I state... I am AFRAID of the world. And you came and turn it all a little, just a little loader.
And I just don't care the "you" you think you are...
I had all my rage focoused towards one thought... coded it all.. but then... after the most teenager-ish subway ride of my life... all came along, throwing unslept nights off the window.

Call me infantile... but... I'd love to hear you scream... and you admit it.
I wasn't cut out for this. I do need my warranties. Less than I thought but, yet, big enough.
Wether out of caring or jelousy... you reversed the roles.
All of this just to say that I'm mad.

28 January, 2009

Now... Tó, meu miúdo, don't you worry 'cause you still are my James Morrison... you know I owe you this song. As I told you one day, this song sings me. My adorable little crab nature... as one says. I always saw myself in it, as someone looking for the other Half to sing it to.
Who knows?...

I look at you, you bite your tongue
You don't know why or where I'm coming from
But in my head I'm close to you
We're in the rain still searching for the sun

You think that I want to run and hide
I keep it all locked up inside but I just want you to find me

I'm not lost, i'm not lost, just undiscovered
And when we're alone we are all the same as each other

You see the look that's on my face
You might think I'm out of place
I'm not lost, no, no, just undiscovered

Well the time it takes to know someone
It all can change before you know it's gone
So close your eyes and feel the way I'm with you now
Believe there's nothing wrong

You think that I want to run and hide
I keep it all locked up inside but I just want you to find me

I'm not lost, i'm not lost, just undiscovered
And when we're alone we are all the same as each other

You see the look that's on my face
You might think I'm out of place
I'm not lost, no, no, just undiscovered

I'm not running, I'm not hiding
But if you dig a little deeper, you will find me

I'm not lost, not lost, undiscovered
And when we're alone we are all the same as each other

You see the look that's on my face
You might think I'm out of place
I'm not lost, no, no, just undiscovered.

I'm not lost, not lost, undiscovered
And when we're alone we are all the same as each other

You see the look that's on my face
You might think I'm out of place

I'm not lost now just undiscovered




(Melhor que isto?... Só tu, miúdo, chegado da Suiça, com um Swatch digital, um chocolatinho, uma camisola do SLB autografada e claro... na companhia do Jamie himself para cantarem para mim... sou tão pouco exigente!... ui ui!)

27 January, 2009

I know, I know... that must be a first around here.
But yes, it is true. This post is about the song, nothing else. A song that has been in my life for almost 6 years, that means so much and, yet, I haven't been able to recognize it... till today.
This morning on the subway, when I was on my way to work, this came up on my MP3 shuffle mode... and I found myself almost dancing in the chair... almost singing it like there is no tomorrow.



Then... as usual in me... I started a list of why is that so:
- 'Cause this song is London '03;
- 'Cause you can't resist the melody, the vibe;
- 'Cause it makes me smile;
- 'Cause Chris can be cute... ;) ;
- 'Cause it just is.

26 January, 2009


... can't think, write or speak today. A part from that, I wanna hear, feel and tell you everything. (Note: the sunlight creeping in...)

You've got me so off track, off beat... that I just can't... react. Not in a bad way. No, NO... far from that! But my heart is tied down in a knot, my mind is now a house, where words and sounds and dreams run loose.
When I asked the Skies above for "someone who won't allow me to think"... I never thought it would be so fast, so perfect, so furious.
I end up... out of myself, feeling like I never did. Afraid of waking from this dream while dreaming about another life...

Since Saturday, I'm a kid again, anxious... as steady as a roller coster. All I can say with 100% sure factor here is that: I wanna believe, I wanna feel, I wanna life!

Will you help me do that? No matter what? (Or was I really being "full of myself" there?)

I'm so going crazy here... I can't even choose a music today... and that IS a sign of the Apocalispe... LOL xD

23 January, 2009

Two quotes dance in my mind, right now:

- There's two sides in every story... - what to do when they're both great?... one you secretly wish but can't have; while the other is just WOW! (like a piece born out of all those things you dreamt of and wish you hadn't lost) but you can't stop thinking:

[Enter second quote]

- I bet I can still spook you!... (Elisabeth Shue, Cocktail, 1988)

In the end?... I'm up and running (at least give me that credit!)... anxiously waiting for both sides to light up my day... unable to choose which path to follow, right now.
And all my fears... my questions, ever so present!...
So, I lock myself inside my cage of golden words... 'cause there I can only blame myself... and dream life away.
Because today... I'm all about music.
These two just play in loop inside my mind... and the funny thing is that I don't know why... as I'm not really a fan of either of them...

Anyhoodle... I hope you guys enjoy.

Jack Johnson - Upside down (next time.. give me one without the "monkey business"... but on the other hand... thank god for all the water...)



Rita Redshoes - The beginning song (sooo much better than the first single... and that says it all!)


And this happens why, you ask?... 'Cause I'm made of music, I'm an endless string of songs =)
Vá... podem ver (sem tocar!)... mas só aniversáriante é que pode provar.

O bolo, claro! (sua cambada de preversos!)


Porque o teu mundo tecnológico (mais valia que funcionassemos a sinais de fumo e não tivesses ido passear), até a quilometros de distância, me parece estar a sabotar... aqui fica... todo de chocolate, para que continues doce... e todo para ti, porque hoje mereces!
Mesmo em Roma e, provavelmente, em "coma" romântico... ;)
(Eu sou o morango e as frutas silvestres, ok?...)

PARABÉNS!
***

21 January, 2009


Today (funny how when it comes to me... everything starts with a "Today") I took yet another step. Therefore I decided that, from now on, as far as possible... I'll say everything that has to be said.
It may seem a baby step to you... but for me? It's a giant leap.


So, the following is dedicated to many:

You read my mind, I feel a lot more complete and a better person thanks to you. Wierdly, 'cause probably you guys won't feel the same, I see us as a group, a tight net of survivors, of women who know differents aspects of life. I thank you (Katie, Jb, Amanda...) for being me again, being bravier, being able to speak without feeling I'm alone;


Em português para que não tenhas que "sacar" do dicionário... e mesmo que só leias daqui por uma semana, não Fénix, não me esqueço de 6ª... Mas mais... tu acordaste o meu lado "semi solar" (porque não o tenho completo) com o qual já tinha perdido contacto. Quase me fazes gostar de chocolates e tudo, aceitar beijos roubados... ai Ladies Man... ainda tenho que descobrir o que queres de mim (ao dedicar-te um parágrafo ganhei pontos?! Passei alguma concorrente à frente?... é que não deixo de ser competitiva...) ;


Hélio, for you... I'm back to the good ol' English. What can I say that hasn't been said in our parallel universe?... Everything and nothing... but I just had to include you here. You're the response I unawarely asked for yesterday... and everything must have a sequence, right? So you're it, and you deserve beeing here... right next to my Heart, right next to the post that started all... ;) ;


O resto, homem completo, já tu vais sabendo. Como se pudesse mostrar mais ainda... que tu não tenhas visto já? Faz tuas as tuas palavras, vive, devora... mas não precisas procurar porque já encontraste. Agora, aceita, luta!... sem medos. Porque mesmo que tenha um fim, alone you'll be no more.
É de pessoa mázinha, mas gosto de te ver bailar na corda bamba... porque enquanto oscilas, posso sonhar...
Mas não receies, a mim não... porque amiga e alma, sempre. Primeiro!


Funny, this thing of speaking our mind out... feels great! =)

20 January, 2009


Calling all friends and people I met on the way down
Calling all friends and people I don’t even know
Calling on high I want to believe there’s a way now
I’m too tired to pretend I don’t want to be alone

I’m calling all friends

Taken my time and trying to be what I wanted
Taken my chances when they came on the way
Taken there toll and nobody knows how I’m haunted
Things that I’ve done there isn’t a price I can pay

I have been broken I’ve been low
You want to disappear and no one needs to know
I’ve been there I’ve been where no one seems to care

Calling all friends and people I met on the way down
Calling all friends and people I don’t even know
Calling on high I want to believe there’s a way now
I’m too tired to pretend I don’t want to be alone

I’m calling all friends

I have been broken I’ve been low
You want to disappear and no one needs to know
I’ve been there I’ve been where no one seems to care

Calling all friends and people I met on the way down
Calling all friends and people I don’t even know
Calling on high I want to believe there’s a way now
I’m too tired to pretend I don’t want to be alone
I’m too tired to pretend I don’t want to be alone

I’m calling all friends


Let's see who respondes...

A sound from past days, a topic of reunion, a way to show my apreciation... 'cause the importance of a hug was rekindled in me.

A hora a menos de sono foi preenchida com sorrisos. Simultaneamente, recebi uma batêga de chuva, qual prenda dos céus (e nem sou eu que faço anos hoje...). E cada rajada de vento, cada gota de água (continuação da dança que recusei de tarde, talvez...) me disse:

You are a memory. More and more you are and I feel you distant. When you came my way last Friday I was sure of that. You broke into my life, you broke the silent pact that I forcely accepted, you are not a part of my life. Not anyomre. I now know, you are my darkest thought, you are my biggest fear that came to life with the shape of a 20 something year old guy, with a degree, great conversation skills and a nice smile. That's why you came into my life, to make feel all of this, now I know. But with the night exploding outside while I'm still (safe in) here; when I'm allowed to dream, I don't dream of you. My mind took my to other places, so I could meet and mingle with new people... I know now where to escape. I'm still locked away, afraid and feeling unworthy... but at least I learnt something. And as life teaches us, once you face a fear it slowly looses its strenght.
So, tonight I can say, with my body and soul reunited... our first goodbye.


Doi que o erguer seja baseado em algo que não se pôde controlar... doi que o impacto não seja o mesmo. Agora?... é caminhar sozinha, apenas com a presença longínqua, que é o que me é permitido ter e tentar sorrir porque me é pedido.
Gosto de ti demais do que devia, demais do que o juizo deveria permitir.

19 January, 2009

As Jb asked... and I'm going through a "please don't make me remember day".. here is my version...

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes, after the portuguese queen and Saint, Isabel - wife of the King D. Dinis. My mother always dreamt of naming a child after her.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED AND WHY?
Today. Just beacuse. I feel like I have the wieght of the world on my shoulders. Sometimes you just can't help it.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yeah, I do. I built it after my older sister's but then, with college and all, it turned unique... I love it. It's mine.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Cold bacon... italian salami... well I'd eat one of each if it came my way... lol

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No, but they come if they have to.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
yes... I'd have to be patient... but I'd learn somethings... and teach others... lol

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Wow! I even use to say to a friend of mine that sarcasm is my midle name...

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes. They never gave much trouble anyway.

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No. I'm more into other kinds of adventures...

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Well, It depends... I don't like to keep eating the same stuff so I kinda jump around... lol

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Yes, of course... specially since a college friend thought me the double knot.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Latelly?... Not really...

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Well here's a tough-ie... any one of the berrie-endidng ones, mango... mint chocolate... lemon... can I stop now? LOL

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE ?
The eyes...

RED OR PINK?
Pink... not that I love the colour... but as this is "one or the other kind" of question... this is... the best pick here.

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I trust too easily. I give too much. I have the memory of an elephant... can I stop now?!

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST ?
My grandfather, Lars... Hugo, Carla... Wow! I miss so many people that I'd be here all day...

WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Light jeans... a black turtleneck and highboots

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE ?
chocolate chip cookies for lunch

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The radio on my coworker's computer

IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Ocean blue/green

FAVORITE SMELLS?
Fresh clothes, hot of the oven food, some perfumes... it all depends on the mood, on the person, on the memories...

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
A lady on the newspaper headquarters... lol

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
swiming, soccer, ice skating and gymnastics

HAIR COLOR?
My natural, dark brown.

EYE COLOR?
Brown, yet they sometimes look green-ish or halzenut, depending oh the light... I have what people call "jewel eyes".

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, glasses really.

FAVORITE FOOD?
Oh so many! Although I don't eat much...

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings. Although if you send Scream 2 my way I'll see it for the 10th time... I love to figure out who's killing when, in that one...

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
The Guardian - oh Kevin Costner... and it is all said!

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
black turtleneck... pretty basic.

SUMMER OR WINTER?
A mix... it depends on the kind of days and the mood I'm going through.

HUGS OR KISSES?
I love a long heart-felt hug... but the perfect kiss is always... perfect!

FAVORITE DESSERT?
Wild berries cheesecake

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Nicholas Sparks' one that has Richard Gere as main character... sorry but I can't remember the original name of it... :| - Vitor knows the name ;)

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
The name of a tourism company... which I never heard of before... the "cons" of being the new one around here... lol

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
Conta-me como foi e Os Comtemporaneos

FAVORITE SOUND?
A strong tempest night when I'm all tucked in in bed...

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles... c'mon I'm the "british girl" here!

WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
England...lol

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Some may say I do. I don't really know... Just go ask them...

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Porto, Portugal

I tag:
Everyone who reads this. :)
Come on tell me all about your dark little screts... ;)

16 January, 2009


Today... is just another one of my mixed feelings days...
On the one hand, again I crossed paths with people who understand me, who are "there", who listen, who help... who know me... or try to. People who make me laugh or make me believe there are reasons to do it.
Today I was sure that I can still be charming and face things with a smile. That can confide and be a confider. I can even ask a man to marry me /and that was a first for me!) xD
But on the other hand I was remembered that I can be jealous even of those I love (I love you, I really do... but if it happens... I'll be here stuck alone), that I took a friendship a step too far (I keep on thinking "At least I wouldn't run away in total sickness)... that I live and think and "keep" too much (Again I feel I can't stop giving too much).
But what made me chenge my mood... yet again, was you. All I want to do is scream: "Hey everybody! It's him! There, right there. Amongst the others!"
After not talking for two weeks... I know you came with good intentions... and if it wasn't for the circumstances I'd find it very noble of you. But I can't help but feel that this wasn't the one you should have read... 'cause it helped you. And I don't want to help you, not anymore.
Because it was you, it had always been you - even if you don't want to see it right before your eyes. I'd say the words that would clear it all for good, but what's the use now. You'll accept it when it's time to do so.. And today, when everything was starting to get better... you just came and twist the knife, yet again.

That being said (see C?! After all your blog is a kind of public service... =D)... as I always feel better after doing this... today my smile is a gift from: katie, poeta, "fofo" Imas, Fénix, LuDuo e the ever so present, almofadada get in annunciata...
Tudo o que peço é que o sorriso não se esmoreça amanhã... prometo que vou tentar partilhar a felicidade, se disso for caso.

15 January, 2009

EDIT: to my non-portuguese bloggers out there... if you feel like discovering what it's written down there... just e-mail me... I'll gladly sum it up for you all =)


O dia começou
Com um vinco bem marcado,
Entre o passado e o futuro
Entre o ficar e o partir.

Mas agora
Sei.
Que aqui não quero ficar.

Presa na inocência do passado?
Pistas ignoradas – sinto-as.
Correr para o futuro agreste?
Sou inércia, por isso não corro para lá.

Aceitei novos pensamentos – ou estavam apenas ocultos?
Vi mais claro na imensidão do escuro.
Do antes
Só o mais atento verá que igual,
Só o invólucro.

Sei.
Hoje, só hoje, sei.
Que este já não é o meu lugar.

Today I woke up... right in the middle of a dark tempest dawn. I wasn't scared... I love all those load, strange noises as the world was ending outside my door; and the feeling that, in that slice of time, I'm alone and the world is mine.
All I know is that I woke up smiling with a strong feeling of belonging and reasurance. The funny thing is that I don't know what I was dreaming about. That peace of mind got me thinking and comtemplating... with a good vibe, what hasn't happen in more than a month now.
Not that I had an epiphany or something. Unffortunally I haven't. But I got to see that meeting and talking to all of you yesterday helped. Some reminded me some good things about me, others reminded me things I love. Others shared feelings and moments in life. Others just cared.
Either way, I got to see that I'm lonely... but I'm not always alone. I have my little tiny oasis in the middle of the desert.
So today... I'm (kinda of) happy - it's raining cats and dogs out there, it's freezing... but I'm not so hopeless.
Maybe this will only last for now, for today... but at least it will be a nice post to put out there for once =)

14 January, 2009

I followed your advice and, as usual, you were dead right on. I love the lyrics, the power in the song... it really means something. More than reflecting me it is maybe the proof that you were capable of caring and seeing through me. For that I thank you.
The blogger world really has its ways and today I love it even a little lot more ;)



Jb you're turning into my music fairy (lol)... for example, I'm currently in love with "Right next to the right one" Celine Dion's music on your blog... and I didn't even know it. You open my eyes everyday, girl! As I'm a easially addicted person... I dare you... don't you stop it now! ;)

I gotta thank you too for finding saveyoursoul... and I gotta thank poeta_poente and Vitor and my "fofo" Imas... that were oh so sweet and caring today. 'Cause today was the end of a trial... that didn't work out ok.
Disconnecting myself from the importance this movie has to me (and Gosh that's hard!...) I read this lyrics and I see myself all over. Wanna check?!

I know that when you look at me
There's so much that you just don't see
But if you would only take the time
I know in my heart you'd find
A girl who's scared sometimes
Who isn't always strong
Can't you see the hurt in me?
I feel so all alone

I wanna run to you (oooh)
I wanna run to you (oooh)
Won't you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm
I wanna run to you (oooh)
But if I come to you (oooh)
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me
What's the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?


(chorus)

I need you here
I need you here to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
If you only knew how much...


More than one of the things that made us "you and me", more than the song I wish I could sing to a certain Mister Almofadado (the worst thing is that he'd be running towards another "you"...), more than memories. More and more. I'm able to see that this song is me...



If only...

13 January, 2009

No, not the magazine... the real breathing ones, maybe there's one of those right next to you.
They come and go, fast or slow into your life. They leave something of theirs on you, for better or worse.
There's those you love, or hate or those who end up leadind into either of the ways. Then there are those who just surprise you. Making you laugh, cry, think, cheer or just snooze. With some of them time flies with others it just lasts forever, when all you wish is to run the hell out of there...
Because of them... becuase of their actions and what they made of me... today I'm drifted. Do I control my Fate or is Life (with all things inplied) a nice little tidy (or NOT!) twist of Destiny?
I hate it when I start comtemplating everything and anything... today I just don't want to think.


And the caption of this is: Changing your thoughts can change your emotions.
(Oh irony, irony... migrate to someone else's life...)

12 January, 2009

'Cause today I just feel like meh-ish; like I don't know and just don't care. 'Cause I keep on asking myself What am I doing here?...
More than ever I feel like putting a stop to this and I don't even care if I leave and things are left unsaid. Everybody does it, why shouldn't I?
Yesterday I realized once more that regular life isn't my thing. I won't have it... and more and more, I feel fine about it. 'Cause regular life doesn't feel regular to me.
Baring this in mind I found this: "Estás triste?" Sei lá! Nem sei o que isso quer dizer. É um sentimento muito familiar, nunca lhe chamei tristeza. Nem sei se alguma vez estive triste... Sinto-me às vezes... vazia. Desapareço um bocadinho, porque o que noutras alturas sinto como mais sólido em mim fica um bocado fragmentado. Nada do que me sai pela boca ou o que faço é com convicção.
- - -
Parece-me que está sempre algo errado, mas nao sei bem o quê. Tenho sempre a sensação de que uma tragédia qualquer está prestes a acontecer. Ou então é como se eu tivesse feito algo muito mau que em qualquer altura alguém pode descobrir. É horrível, sinto-o sempre!
-> in here http://naogostodotitulooriginal.blogspot.com/ - porque a minha luuu não serve só pá violência!

This is just a continuing to my "Percepção" post from a few days back... but it is oh so truthful...
Desafiaram-me... mais uma vez, e eu até gosto! :)
A minha recente descuberta Estrela Cadente desafiou-me e vou aqui partilhar 8 sonhos ou coisas que desejo/gostaria de fazer em 2009.
As regras do desafio são estas:
1) Escrever a lista dos 8 sonhos ou coisas que se deseje fazer;
2) Convidar 8 bloggers a responder ao desafio;
3) Comentar no blog de quem partiu o convite;
4) Comentar no blog de quem convidámos;
5) Mencionar as regras aos desafiados.

Primeiro...como o ter saúde, sorte, amor, emprego, sair o euromilhões e haver paz no mundo (e em mim)...é quase sempre dito... desejo isso, claro!, mas não vão contar para os 8.

1) Gostaria de de uma vez por todas, este ano pôr em prática a tal força que passo aos outros, a objectividade, a "certeza" dos meus conselhos. Gostava de sentir, mesmo, toda aquela doçura que alguns vêem em mim...

2) Também gostaria de realizar todas as viagens com que me dou a sonhar, por uma razão ou por outra, por causa desta ou daquela pessoa. Não é só o dinheiro que falta, é o tempo, é a coragem de partir de mochila sozinha. E Budapeste, CAPITAL DA HUNGRIA (note to self) seria uma delas, nem que fosse para chorar os 50€ que perdi... ah! e partilho com a Estrela o desejo de ir à Suiçá tirar a foto ao Freddie, podemos ir juntas e depois abancámos em casa do meu miúdo, Tó! ;)

3) Gostava de voltar a Londres. Com o relógio parado, tempo para tudo com o à-vontade e dessenrasque que não tinha em 2003. Com duas pessoas do meu lado... uma pela alegria e companhia, outra para aproveitar e saber a verdade.

4) Quero re-organizar "profissionalmente" o meu albúm académico. Agora que tenho todas as fotos, é tirar uma tarde para organizá-las, descolar as folhas e pôr tudo direitinho... incluindo os mommentos que não são fotos.

5) Fazer mais exercicio fisico. Não pela forma fisica em si... e sem dietas porque não acredito nelas. Mas para distrair a cabeça, para suar (desentoxicar a mente também), para ouvir música e chorar e rir... conversar com as paredes, enquanto faço algo "por mim".

6) Voltar a trabalhar para e com a Carla, a Mariana, a Sónia. Rever o Miguel... ou seja, por mim o calendário voltava para Maio de 2007 e ficava num eterno loop... ah! e o contabilista também podia vir... ;)

7) Ter mais jantares com a minha semi e os 75% dela. Mais que gargalhadas e Tangue!... porque em 2 horas libertei-me de mais pesos que em meses... porque dei bastantes passinhos de bébé... e porque me senti com 19 anos outra vez. Por isso chovam convites!

8) Quero desprender-me do passado, aceitar o presente, dar menos importância ao futuro. Quero deixar de sentir tanta necessidade/obrigação de dar... mas falar é fácil não é?

Como o desafio pede que se nomeiem 8 bloggers, vou fazê-lo.
1) Annunciata
2) Fátima
3) Otário
4) Miúda do Armário
5) Tita
6) poeta_poente
7) Vitor
8) Ritinha

09 January, 2009

Were the last 19 months a lie? Did I cry and blamed God for a lie?
If I do call you and you pick up the phone... will you know it's me on the other side of the line? Why did you choose to escape that way? Can you imagine the pain I felt, I went through? How alone and guilty I felt? Do you know the relevance you have had in my life?
I'm happy... if it's true that you're there. Happy that you got a life, happy 'cause you're happy. But oh so miserable 'cause you chose to lie your life out of a perfectly good friendship.
Right now?... I don't know if I will have the guts to call you... what will I say to clean up this mess. How my voice will sound... how you'll react. But I just know. That I'll have to do it. For the sake of my mental sanity.
The funny (well not that funny...) thing is that how could the guy that made me believe the most in myself pull a stunt like this?
Part of me just wants to know the answer... the other just wants to yell at you.

08 January, 2009

Quando penso estar a andar em frente e a ultrapassar-te, voltando ao passado em que não fomos nem eramos, "leio-te" e apesar da primeira (primeiríssima) sensação ainda ser a twist of a knife, de seguida, não consigo deixar de sentir pena de ti, pela tua dor, pela tua humilhação, pelas "figuras" a que te prestas... o que nos vale é que vocês os dois estão cegos.
Quem me manda a mim saber tanto?... talvez por isso me chames, carinhosamente, Minerva, não, Vitor?
Aqui fica, para o dia em que saíres dessa cela almofadada e perceberes o que se passou cá fora, no real world... enquanto preferiste burry them all inside.

07 January, 2009

Não me parece que venhas cá ver isto... mas miúdo, dedico-te esta música, porque parece que andamos sempre em sintonia musical. E porque agora quando vejo o James Morrison, lembro-me de ti... =)



Enjoy!

Last Sunday I realised something... that I'm in the middle of a "I don't want/need" phase.
Not like "I'm-a-brat-I'm-spoiled" kind of way, but in a "I'm no longer motivated" way. Hence, I don't need or want stuff... Call it depression, maybe you're right.
Not even working "tastes" the same. I no longer expect to find a light at the end of the tunnel. I live for the sake of it.
I thought a change of life would do it... I'm going through one, on the step to start another... but I just feel empty. I go through them because it is time to do so.
When will I wake up from the numb feeling?
I used to think that I wasn't lost, I just was undiscovered... now? You tell me...
Today, after reading some words written by a friend of mine - somewhere by the time "this" all began - I started thinking: do I have an impact on anybody?
I mean... not that I want to rule the world or change it. I don't. But why do I always feel like my impact on others is rather small? I feel like the harder I try, the least time I get to be on one's life.
It is like... others afect me (in a positive way) more than I get to do with them. I keep people in my memory for so long, I cherish them so much, only to find out later, that my significance has passed, that they don't do or feel the same. This thought keeps on "looping": if I died today, who, besides the obliged, was going to miss me? Would I linger in someone's memory?
I do know I belong to a few... but I feel like the circle is getting smaller and, for now?, I just lost my drive. My will to fight or motivate myself to look further. To accept.
This "belonging" feeling is important to me... rather shallow, but important. Because, the way I see it, I need you, my keepers, to talk about me. Tell me what I am. I need you, with your truthful eyes, to be my mirror, to reflect me.
Because only you, some of you, know me... sometimes better than I ever thought possible, therefore.. in you I trust... and you know it.

05 January, 2009

Ainda numa ode a Eugénio... que só agora "entendo" enquanto pessoa.



Adeus
Já gastámos as palavras pela rua, meu amor,
e o que nos ficou não chega
para afastar o frio de quatro paredes.
Gastámos tudo menos o silêncio.
Gastámos os olhos com o sal das lágrimas,
gastámos as mãos à força de as apertarmos,
gastámos o relógio e as pedras das esquinas
em esperas inúteis.

Meto as mãos nas algibeiras
e não encontro nada.
Antigamente tínhamos tanto para dar um ao outro!
Era como se todas as coisas fossem minhas:
quanto mais te dava mais tinha para te dar.

Às vezes tu dizias: os teus olhos são peixes verdes!
E eu acreditava!
Acreditava,
porque ao teu lado
todas as coisas eram possíveis.
Mas isso era no tempo dos segredos,
no tempo em que o teu corpo era um aquário,
no tempo em que os teus olhos
eram peixes verdes.
Hoje são apenas os teus olhos.
É pouco, mas é verdade,
uns olhos como todos os outros.

Já gastámos as palavras.
Quando agora digo: meu amor...
já não se passa absolutamente nada.

E, no entanto, antes das palavras gastas,
tenho a certeza
de que todas as coisas estremeciam
só de murmurar o teu nome
no silêncio do meu coração.

Não temos nada que dar.
Dentro de ti
Não há nada que me peça água.
O passado é inútil como um trapo.
E já te disse: as palavras estão gastas.

Adeus.
Agora, de repente, relembrei a manhã-tarde de 23/06/2003... e Eugénio de Andrade (que naquele momento tanto me assutou...).
Pesquisei um pouco e encontrei isto... é nestes momentos que tenho pena de não ser poeta, mas louvo os que existem, e vou conhecendo.

Devias estar aqui rente aos meus lábios
Devias estar aqui rente aos meus lábios
para dividir contigo esta amargura
dos meus dias partidos um a um

- Eu vi a terra limpa no teu rosto,
Só no teu rosto e nunca em mais nenhum.


Sê paciente; espera
Sê paciente; espera
que a palavra amadureça
e se desprenda como um fruto
ao passar o vento que a mereça.




E neste? Parece reanimado o meu "calvário"...

As palavras
São como cristal,
as palavras.
Algumas, um punhal,
um incêndio.
Outras,
orvalho apenas.
Secretas vêm, cheias de memória.
Inseguras navegam:
barcos ou beijos,
as águas estremecem.
Desamparadas, inocentes,
leves.
Tecidas são de luz
e são a noite.
E mesmo pálidas
verdes paraísos lembram ainda.

Quem as escuta? Quem
as recolhe, assim,
cruéis, desfeitas,
nas suas conchas puras?
Finally someone wrote the words I've been looking for since you died. Now, sweety, you can read what has been living in my heart since yours stopped...

A um ausente

Tenho razão de sentir saudade,
tenho razão de te acusar.
Houve um pacto implícito que rompeste
sem te despedires, foste embora.
Detonaste o pacto.
Detonaste a vida geral, a comum aquiescência
de viver e explorar os rumos de obscuridade
sem prazo, sem consulta, sem provocação,
até o limite das folhas caídas na hora de cair.

Antecipaste a hora.
Teu ponteiro enlouqueceu, enlouquecendo nossas horas.
Que poderias ter feito de mais grave
do que o acto sem continuação, o acto em si,
o acto que não ousamos nem sabemos ousar
porque depois dele não há nada?

Tenho razão para sentir saudade de ti,
de nossa convivência em falas camaradas,
simples apertar de mãos, nem isso, voz
modulando sílabas conhecidas e banais
que eram sempre certeza e segurança.

Sim, tenho saudades.
Sim, acuso-te porque fizeste
o não previsto nas leis da amizade e da natureza
nem nos deixaste sequer o direito de indagar
porque o fizeste, porque te foste.

Carlos Drummond de Andrade

02 January, 2009


(Este "bichinho" é que a sabe toda...)

Em 30 minutos muito me passou pela cabeça...
Como o humor de uns me faz lembrar o de outros, como tenho saudades de 2003, como há palavras que marcam, como tenho saudades de Londres, como detesto ver-vos "juntos" (irrita-me, pronto!), como agradeço aos meandros "blogisticos" por tudo - pelos encontros e desencontros, pelas surpresas e gargalhadas...
Será que se as coisas correrem mal vocês me defendem?... Será que matam e morrem como eu faço/farei/faria por vós? - nah! I don't think so...
Apesar de, não sabendo porquê, porque pouca mais gente o sente, gostar mutio de ti apetece-me virar-te costas quando te mostras toda existencial e intelectual... e pensar que ele se derrete a cada palavra tua...
Venha daí uma cela almofadada, com pensão completa, que eu tenho um hóspede fresquinho para lá acomodar...
 
Copyright (c) 2010 Unleash your thoughts.... Design by Wordpress Themes.

Themes Lovers, Download Blogger Templates And Blogger Templates.