31 March, 2009

Well... today, after the all-morning job interview marathon... I decided to take a walk and mingle with the crowd (oooh dreamy days... where have you gone?...).
My MP3 shuffle mode worked its wonders, yet again, and nicely gifted me with the greatest songs, the ones that made my smile linger. My music thingy set the pace so strongly that I had to control myself and not start singing or dancing in the middle of downtown or else I'd be lock down in loony house for good - and we don't want that, do we? I still have a LIFE to live, right? ;)
So... even though I was feeling pretty tired, sick and, sometimes, close to the point of fainting... a couple of words started looping inside my head, like a mantra :"Go there! GOOO THERE!" And so... after postponing it since last Summer, I did it. I went there.

* So where is "there", may you ask?
First of all... I can gladly say that: I found it! I found my place, my spot... and yes!, I felt it instantly. All of you were right. It does mean a lot, it puts life into perspective, it is MINE. And the funniest thing? If you'd ask me yesterday... I wouldn't have been able to point it out.
So there I was... straight out of the subway... taking advantage of this bright sunny, windy, cold day. In the middle of the bridge, where down below you can see two towns drifted but always side by side. Lots of fuss, lots of people, lots of colours and lots of wind.
My spot!
So... I stood there for more than 10 minutes... just watching, just feeling, not thinking (and that's a first for me!), 'cause everytime my thoughts tried to come into my mind and scare me even more... the lovely, frizzing wind just blew them away. So I could ear nothing but me. My eyes escaped to the raging waters below me ignoring the many people that stood there too... 'cause it didn't matter... that is my place, and as long as I was there it was only mine, too.

There I realised that a part of me is now left there... so I have something to look for and a reason to always go back... there I was reunited with someone: me (and a shy, yet truthful smile lingered with me).
For more than ten minutes the sickness, the worring, the drama stoped. During those minutes I was a little more happy. My usual kind of happy. And I felt some people there with me. The ones that had to be there, the ones that smile while reading this.
Now?... I can only dream about next time... and smile.

While riding to the spot on the subway, I remebered a invitation a kind gentlemen made me 3 months ago: "Will you come out into the rain and dance with me? Wash yourself away?", he said with a smile. But the little old afraid, stubborn, tired of the rain me declined.
Today... it was me who adressed herself to the nice gentlemen and asked: "Will you come out into the windy sunshiny day and dance with me? So that our bodies made of ashes will scatter away?"... And even miles apart, he did. I took his hand, like the little girl I am, and we danced. I put I smile on his face, mixed with tears, as he later on did with me.

So today... even if waking up was tough and bitter, even if my mind flew away when I most need it, even when I felt so drainned out of energy... I felt that, even if I'm a mess ( I knew I would be) a smile can always linger :)

Now... just a little bit of incoherence and ranting, or I wouldn't be able to "call it a day"... isn't it funny when you know someone is collapsing, is a mess, is nothing but unsure and scared and even still you see it wondering around proclaming "Health" and wisdom to others?
Get a hold of yourself... or stop the torrent of lies... to whom ever you are been delusional, besides yourself, occasionally.
Thanks! ;)

* My spot is right around the middle of the subway train... and yes! the day was just like it shows in the picture! Lucky me... :)

12 thoughts unleashed:

1/2Kg de Broa said...

Uma 'sugerência: mete lá um tradutor aqui que é muito cansativo estar a ler inglês, já me bastam os artigos da tese :S

És inglesa, descendente de ingleses, estás a estudar inglês, fizeste Erasmus, ou simplesmente gostas de escrever em inglês?

saveyoursoul said...

Izzie!! I love how you smile in the face of adversity. I always tell myself if you can do it I can do it.

Thanks for sharing, as always.

Fatucha said...

Gostei mto do que li...senti que encontraste uma liberdade q há mto esperavas, o teu proprio canto...tenho também o meu e é onde nos sentimos ilimitadas, sem receios, confiantes e sorridentes para a vida...
Eu penso que já estive nesse teu 'canto' um dia em 2002...e da uma sensação libertadora sem duvida!
bjs

Anna Liffen said...

I love this post! My smile lingered the whole time.

Anna
x

Otário said...

essa imagem é bonita... onde fica essa paisagem?

izzie said...

1/2kg: Óooh páh... até é uma ideia... onde vou encontrar isso?
E pronto tudo pa dizer que lê umas coisas e que tá a fazer uma tese... tsk tsk... ;)
Em resposta à pergunta: sou portugesa, muito portguesa, os meus pais nem inglês sabem bem... tenho é alma britânica e olha... há dias em que penso melhor assim.

Amanda: Sometimes we find our way... you teach me that everyday, sweetie! :)

Fatucha: Não é tanto o ter encontrado algo que procurava... foi o ouvir o instinto e ter funcionado.
De resto... tenho encontrado muita coisa... muita gente!
Ainda bem que o meu lugar também faz sorrir os outros :)

Anna: Thank you oh so very much for the kind words :)
As it did linger... you were there too ;)
xo

Otário: Então rapaz? É a ponte D. Luíz no Porto... onde agora passa o Metro e tal ;)

1/2Kg de Broa said...

Tenho dificuldade em acompanhar os teus pensamentos então :)
E sim, foi só para dizer que estou a fazer uma tese. mas não vou dizer de quê! Bem-feita!

izzie said...

1/2 kg: Meu Deus... eu não quero perder fãs à pala da minha incoerência...
Mas realmente... também sei que há dias que pareço tolinha ;)
Eu sabia! Eu sabia que era aqui o broa a gabar-se! Mas e agora? Deixas-me assim na curiosidade? Queres matar a gata? LOOOOL

1/2Kg de Broa said...

Sou MAU!

Não quero cá matar gatas nenhumas. Mas primeiro é preciso que ronronem para saber se não arranham. Senão como é que achas que eu conseguía manter estes dois aqui ao lado sempre bem dispostos e lado a lado? Com ecstasy? :D

Mas pronto, tou a fazer uma tese de................
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Meias árvores de Natal

izzie said...

Pois ÉS!
E eu que como sou noctivaga... venho-te responder logo a seguir.
Isto tá bonito (olha já agora... pa manter conversas destas há sempre o e-mail ou pelo menos um postzinho mais recente... tive que sacar do arquivo... mas tu continua páh que este falar fica-te bem ;))
Bem...desde que não mates aqui a "gata" que ainda tem umas coisas pa viver, como por exemplo ganhar qualquer coisita da matutano ou meter-se em excstaxy com certos bichanos... ok?
Até já tinha posto o tradutor, mas o Blogger tá-se a passar e não me deixa... mas tá pa breve...
Ai é? que tema interessante! E onde entram os documentos em inglês aí?
O pior é que à primeira eu li "tese sobre Meias de Natal"... meu deus!
O estado em que me deixas...
Mas ao menos deixas-me desenhinhos no blogue, catita! ;)

Beijo,

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