Callendar girl

I've not been hiding myself, shilding myself from saying things, from opening my mind... don't you worry.
But the thing is that I've been reading myself too much in others' words, so I just don't want to sound repetitive. 'Cause the ones that write my mind know it. They may not know me, but they mirror me perfectly. And that enlightens me - painfully, but it does.
I did not intent to write anything today, but then I came across this:

Coldplay - Trouble*

Oh no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
Oh no whats this?
A spider web, and Im caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things Ive done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And i, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

Oh no I see,
A spider web and its me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here I am in my little bubble,

Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And i, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

And so my callendar mind starts yet another voyage.
There I am, 17 again. There I am dreaming while watching carefully everybody else.
There I am thinking I'd do nothing wrong.
But I did. But I do. And I will fall into so many undoings, yet to come... and so I feel these lyrics to the core and I know some of you will feel them "about" me as you read them...
And so this song makes me slide back into my own mind. And so I see I'm kinda stuck, only capable of seeing the now, analysing the "then" amongst the fog, the tricky trap of "time". Have you realised that "time" is a very slippery and confusing thing?
I just think I never felt it so deceiving as now, as right now. As if everytime I mark my timetable I feel this isn't really me... as if this life I've been living hasn't really been mine.
I guess I'm "just" lost in the fog, not capable of distinguishing Past from past days; Present from nowadays. Trying not to think about the Future as I feel it won't be mine.
I just want to grow with it all. Collect my gainnings, close the chapter. Move on. All of you characters of my storia are acting along, as exepected... so why can't I?
Funny how I can have the split second feeling that I never met you... when you were supposed to save/change my life.
And why don't I have friends like that?
In the state of mind I fell now... this could go on forever... and I alredy feel I'm wondering off from what I came here to say...

So I leave you with these:

Aquele nevoeiro cerrado, dúbio e frio que limita a visão, não permitindo que esta chegue mais além. [...] e nesse exacto momento, sinto-me como que forçado a entrar na máquina do tempo. Revisito aqueles momentos passados, sou obrigado a desarrumar tudo aquilo que dou hoje como arrumado algures num quarto qualquer da minha mente.
És mais dúvidas que certezas. [...] Não posso permitir a tua entrada pois o que obtenho não é suficiente para te querer aqui deste lado e mesmo que obtivesse um pouco mais, eu próprio já não sou aquele que um dia conheceste...Esse já não mora aqui.
Não dou nem sou mais porque tal já não é possível e quando o foi, quando deixei a porta aberta na esperança que por ela entrasses, a ausência preencheu este quarto de tudo menos de ti.

[in here: http://therainofthewolves.blogspot.com/ - obrigado BM :)]

So here's the reason I don't have to write...
I know... I just know... and I vow to you all in advance. I'm just tired of waiting... as time is playing with me. Can you blame me?

* And yes... there are a few changes in my playlist thingy... so you can listen while reading.